Ramblings

The Past

2008-04-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

The past is a important part of us, its what makes us who we are. Someones past shows others what they have the capicity to do and to a degree though lesser what they dont have the capacity to od. It gives you a glimpse into the person over a extended period of time and what they are like, its far more accurate a representation then a single act or even talking to someone.

People like to complain that you shouldnt hold someone to or judge someone based on their past, but that makes no sense. Jobs ask for your past work expereince, wedding commitments are made becuase of hte past success of the relationship, friendships survive hard times becuase of the strong basis in their past. The past has more effect on the present usualy THEN THE PRESENT itself.

We are not only who we are but more strongly we are what we were and what we did. People who are unaccepting of this, people who want a constant "fresh start" people who dont want to be judged because of what they did in the past make no sense and frighten me. These are the people who are expecting to be let away with what ever they do simply after some time has passed. People change yes, but you know what? people change SOME and SOMETIMES not always and not completly. A man who has never done drugs and never smoked or drank might in a few years become a drug using drunk, but he might not and no one would be supprised. How ever if you took a heroin addict and a slut she might change in af ew years and be clean and monogomis but unlike the man its KNOWN that she has the potential in her and that she did it previous.

Saying that you should treat both of them in the same manner is just...stupid. I'm sorry but i'm going to be careful around registered sex offenders, i'm going to be hesitint before i lend my friend who never paid me back any money, and i'm going to think twice before i get into a relaitonship with a woman who cheated on her last boyfriend...

The past is WHO WE ARE...it should be held against us because its what we did.

People make mistakes...but that dosnt mean its forgiven and whiped under the carpet, i know i dont expect any forgivness or ignoring of my life...afterall i did it

why cant people be forward with you

2008-04-07T22:55:00.000-07:00

I dont expect many people to understand the next post and righ tnow i dont care, i'm doing this to vent more then anytyhing.

I play world of warcraft, its a fairly competative game but i try to stay away from that aspect of it (now at least). I joined a big guild that raids (thats the competative stuff) but i was told i wouldnt have to that i could be there just as friendsof people. Then 4 days later i get kicked because "your not showing enough promise" First off i'm not a raider it says so on my note i'm there as a friend and I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THIS WAS OK, second off i was given a chance ONCE to show how good i was and they told me i did fine, third i put forth more effort and spent more money and was more serious then half the fucking guild on my one attempt.

I think this wouldnt piss me off so much except i JUST woke up from having a fucking dream where i was a mess and crying over not being good enough and having no personal freinds. I wake up already feeling lonely and like crap and then see this shit happen. instead of being fucking honest they just kick me for no fucking reason and then try to blame it on me. Just like lisa fucking tried to blame all her actions on me.

For TWO YEARS she treated me like crap and made me feel like the devil because i didnt trust her and thought she was cheating on me, for TWO YEARS she taught me i was the wrong person and that i needed to get over it. And then i find out the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP she had been lying on me and doing exactly what i thought she was doing.

How can you people live with yourselves? How can you go about your lives lieing to people who love you and who you say you love? How can you be so fucking selfish and callious? HOW SHORT SIGHTED AND SELF CENTERED CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE?!

I would never wish harm upon a person...its not my place in the world and i dont feel i have the right, but i do hope these people who hurt other peopels feelings, these people who are self centered and callous, these people who are hypocrits, and these people who live their lives on ignorance and lies...i hope these people get whats comming to them...even though i know they wont.

I hate everyone...i realy do...and i'm getting so very very tired of trying to stay nice and hopeful

Hmm

2008-04-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling, worthless lately and lonely but not realy depressed. My friend steph has cancer and shes in the hospital right now, she will be out but...i've been worrying about her so much.

I cant walk for more then 5 or 10 minutes before my back starts realy hurting, my room smells and the dishes arnt done, i just dont care to clean it, i do maybe once a week (and this is a huge change from hwo i used to be, it used to be maybe once a month) but i feel like its pointless, i do it more becuase i get realy upset and depress and do it then.

my moms still going to be in the hospital for at least another 2 weeks, i'm out of food and even selling gold in wow i'm nearly out of, i can order pizza once maybe twice more, that will get me 5 days worth of food at best, i think i still have enough food other then that for about a week.

Still i dunno, i'm starting to resent my mom again witch is wierd, i havnt felt anoyed with her in YEARS but now i'm starting to feel like...why dont i get any help?

my sisters a heroin addict and my grandmother and mom are constantly helping her go here or there, givign her money, paying for her to get help in the hospital. My moms always going in and out of the hospital and rehab, grandmother helps her pay for her meds and everything, butwhen ever i bring up myself when ever i say how i feel or that i feel suicidal they just tell me "well quit it" or "i'm sorry"

why do i get treated worse and with less care then a heroin addict? I'm trying very hard to not feel this way, and right now its just a mild anoyance anyways...but i'm worried and a little scared about feeling it stronger as time goes on, i dont want to feel that way, i dont want to get mad about it.

hope everyone has a good night

Karma

2008-04-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

I belive in karma, for myself thats all not other people. I belive that when i was born i was set at 0 on the karma scale, and that fate constantly brings me back to 0, i might have several good things happen to me bringing me up to 10 or 20...and then i will eventualy be brought down to 0. Of course the "good" thing about this is that if i'm brought to -10 or -20 i know that eventualy i will be leved out again. I didnt realy realize this in my life till around 20, and since then i've lost most ambition to do things becuase the karma dosnt seem to be based around working for things. Meaning that if i bust my ass to get money to buy something...the working dosnt count as negative karma. The reverse is also true, if i'm purpously a dick to people or rude or mean it dosnt seem to count against me, i dont have bad things happen to me becuase i do bad things and i dont have good things happen to me when i do good things. the ONLY exception to this is giving stuff away. If i give stuff away, to a friend or to a stranger or too a charaity it always comes back. Its wierd...its like my life is a scale and theres a money lender constantly adjusting it to keep it balanced...and while most people say they would be happy with this having a life of 0...with no happyness no sadness no nothing...is like being dead.

Because i want to keep the post short i'll just say a bit more. I cut today in the shower and for no reason, i got up to take a shower thought about how i hadnt cut in nearly 2 weeks (i only cut in the shower) and then suddenly got realy depressed, broke open a new razor and cut. The razors are from cheapo blades and wow are they so much sharper then from the expnesive ones, i actualy hurt quite alot now and i like it...i'm just not very used to it. I'm thinking about cutting up my arms since my mom is in the hospital and wont see me for a few weeks, and by then i will heal...i dunno still thinking about it, having cuts on my arms oddly enough puts me in a good mood.

I hate when you cant wake yourself up to do something you WANT to do
I hate when your depression causes you to come off in a way you dont mean too
I hate feeling tired all the time
I hate that after 25 years i'm actualy starting to not enjoy sleep...

Happy April Fools Day

2008-04-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, happy prankster day.

I just want to remind everyone that this is a day for jokes and teaseing and to not take it personaly?

Today everyone should be forgiven for fooling around a little bit and playing with one another (boy that dosnt sound right).

So please before you get upset or nervous or depressed over being the victium of someones prank remeber its all fun and games, though if you just cant take it (maybe there are other things that already have you set on the edge) you can message me on aim at cerebreturns or email me at cerebreturns@aol.com to talk about it.

Hope everyone has a good day

Things I Dont Like Thinking About

2008-03-28T00:17:00.000-07:00

Its not fair to expect my friend steph to talk to me about her problems and open up without me doing the same, but i dont see the poitn of me doing it. I understand that she feels the same wway as well, and i guess i'm just being childish adn selfish, but i want to make her feel better. I know sometimes she says just talking about her stuff makes her feel worse but not always, with me it almost alway sdoes. I prpously dont think about the things that realy bother me...becuase i see no point, and because one of the only reasons i do ANYTHING other then sleep to death is because i dont think about these things.

My mother has been the only person in my life for the majority of it, i never had any female relationships till i was around 17, then i devloped a online relationship that ended up being a serious relationship, lasted 2 years, we spent a total of about 5 months in person, including me moving in with her for about 3 months(? maybe 2). This ended very poorly, and while i tecnicly ended the relationship, who realy ended it is arguable, with me having caught her cheating i feel efefctivly she ended it not me, even though she said she wished to continue it.

My mother and i had a odd relationship as i grew up, she fought with me when she didnt have boyfriends because she neeeded to vent her hate of men out on someone, and i simply delt with it. She never hit me or such, just called me names, ocasionaly spit or me or slaped me, but i never reented her for it...well perhaps i did when a child, but quickly once i hit 18ish i stoped resenting her.

Now i get along with my mom, and i enjooy spending a little bit of time with her, and shes the only person i feel even slightly comfortable giving a hug or holding hands wiht.

But about a year ago my mom tried a new therapy and some new drugs, she put on alot of weight and this broke her spirit, always the bueatiful skinny barby like person the weight that she wasnt able to put off destroyed her. And ever since its as if my mom dissipeared. She no longer cares about anything, no longer gets upset or happy, no longer responds when i hug her or hold her hand, every time i ask her if she wants to do stuff together she blows me off and says later or just flat out no. This is a woman who is bipolar and borderline, someone who was ALWAYS intensly SOMETHING.

its selfish but now i'm left alone...my mother was the only real comfort i had in teh world, and the only person i could physicaly relax near.

I have no friends irl, only over the net...i'm greatful for them, i realy am, but...i dont know how to explain it :shrugs: it just hurts, oddly hurts, its like my body is...stiff? sore? Like if you dont play with putty for a long time and when you do its all flaky and dried and pretty much "broken"...thats how i feel

Time Passes

2008-03-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

I havnt been typing here, and i feel guilty, only been reading and posting every 2 days instead of twice a day.

I'm trying very hard to get busy with stuff, but the only thing i can think of is wow...and i'm starting to enjoy it alot again, long story shrt i'm having to run a guild in it (witch is about 100 people) and its nice but at the same time...bleh.

My exalted games are going ok but i just dont feel as motivated to put as much preplanning in them as i have been, the good thing though is that i'm quite adept at running the games without prep...and none of my players have complained yet they all seem to enjoy it. However one of my players is starting to get mad becuase twice i canceled the game and once he had to cancel it, i realy enjoy playing and hes a neat person but...its just anoying because he tends to not roleplay so i go thorugh alot of what i write down and create almost instantly...and while he enjoys it, i just go through SOOO MUCH work so quickly, i feel like i'm pissing it away.

Emotionaly i dont know how i'm doing, i've been thinking less about death lately, but i have even less motivation then i did before. I realy dont care about a job again already...i do realy enjoy talking to the people on LJ and trying to help them...i dont know if it does anything but it makes me feel a little needed.

My friend steph seems to be doing worse every day...and she worries about me worrieing about her, but i want to know how she is doing, its very important to me, and while i wouldnt ever ask her to talk about something if its going to make her feel worse i just wish she would understand that it DOSNT upset me to listen to her problems, i WANT to hear her problems...it makes me feel closer to her, and she is oepening up but i always feel like i'm not doing enough for her...

I am worried though, when she gets realy sick, worried that shes going to stop trying, worried that soemthings going to happen to her, i've had 4 people i knew in my life die of cancer and i feel like i'm a jinx...

I hate when you are lonely and try to do as much as you can with other people and end up over extending yourself :(

Things Never Change

2008-03-24T12:34:00.001-07:00

And i like that, for the most part. I dislike change, its chaos...and you never know whats going to come out of it. change is always linked to other things, you cant just change one thing, because the simple fact its no longer the same effects other things.

Take...i wont drink liquor anymore (this isnt something i do). Your going to have more gas, more free time, talk less to the cashier where ever you buy your booze, probably avoid certin things you previously wouldnt have (parties and the like), and so on.

Even small changes matter

"i'm going to wear just tshirts this summer" well your goign to need to buy some more probably, wash more often since your selection of cloths is more limited, eventualy have a few conversations you wouldnt of had otherwise "dude why you always wear a t man?"

Anywyas...my lifes back to "normal" witch i'm fine with but i dont realy think is a good thing, cause nothing has been resolved and i know in a few days (possibly tonight) it will go right back to being stressed.

I dont care again about if i get a job, we arnt getting thrown out...but all this stuff sorta had some good side effects, the problems i mean.

I have people i talk to on LJ now, not to mention commenting on the communities witch i realy like, i feel closer to my best friend steph then ever before since we both were going through hard times and she was there for me and i was there for her (at least i think i was). Its a shame we cant be more then just friends, but i'm ok with that, i love her and we live a thousand miles away anywyas, like i said she realy is my best friend.

Other then that...not sure where things are going, my exalted games right now are not going so great, but that happens...its hard to stay constantly creative...and problems always arise (this person is late, i dont feel good, this person wants to do something no one else does)...i need to quit being lazy and put forth the proper amount of effort into the games, lately i just havnt felt like spending 3 hours a day preplanning for them, especialy since lastnight they decided to COMPLETLY skip a whole story i wrote and instead use a die roll to solve the situation.

GAH...those of you who dont play rpgs dont understand but...its like...imagine if you went through long details on how to use something, drew diagrams, pictures, labeled all the wires and stuff, and then instead of using all the things you made to help them the person just kept putting random wires here and there till it worked. Thats how i felt but WORSE cause its also a very heavy part of my creativity in it.

Anyways, i'm feeling fairly well...though that bothers me, nervous...less nervous when i'm feeling bad, better you are the worse stuff can happen you know?

Why I'm Good At Being A Dick

2008-03-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

First off, as far as i see it there are 3 types of arguments. Pointless arguments where you both are basicly just having fun "superman would so loose to goku", pointless arguments where you both are realy trying to prove a point "oboma is better then hilary becuase hes not a fucking woman" and arguments that have a serious point "i dont want your mother living here becuase she hates me and will treat me like crap all the time"

I love arguing, to some degree, i hate peopel who take it to seriously and i also hate people who shout out numbers and dates and books but then when you do the same thing say your just lying.

What i REALY REALY hate though is when people yell at you or bitch at you or argue with you about stuff they themselves are doing. It realy pisses me off, becuase i know its pointless to try and make them realize how hypocritical they are being, an its very hard to "withdraw" for a conversation like that because usualy the person wont let you.

Anywyas.

Yesterday my sister was driving me to apply at the place where my room mate works, the telemarketing place i talked about, but she started screaming and yelling at me half way there, and since i was in the car and knew i couldnt just say nothing i felt i had to fight back. There is only one way to beat my sister in a argument, and thats dont stop talking. Because its what she does, only i'm better at it because i've had 3 sisters and a mom who all did it (but shes my 2nd youngest sister so didnt learn as well). Eventualy she was spitting at me and raising her hand, but she wouldnt hit me becuase she knew i would hit her right back, even if she was driving, i dont care. She said she was going to wreck the car and i told her i didnt care, cause i didnt, if anythign it would just prove me right.

So she didnt drop me off, she threatened to call the cops on me, throw me out, stop "telling her bf to not throw me out" but i know my sister, all this was bluffs and lies. If he wanted me out he would have told me personaly, just like he did our other room mate.

Then she started screaming about how she can do as much drugs as she wants and how it dosnt matter i'm going to pay rent even if its going to her drugs.

I get home, order pizza from a friend online (yay 1000g in wow =ing a 30$ family feast!) and then let her have some (and her bf and our other roomie)

Night passes and in the morning she seems fine with me. I think she realizes that she said way too much to me, and that i was right and not nearly as mean as her. The only 2 mean things i said was that shes a drug addict and a whore, and that shes just like me. Where as she called me everything she could think of and said she hated me and wished i was dead.

My friend steph wanted to die lastnight, came online around 3 and told me so...I was worried, she hasnt told me that in a very very very long time, but i'm glad she came on. I talked to her, listened to her...tried to get her to open up or think about something else. We talked for about 3 hours i guess, and i think in the end she was feeling better, at least she realized she cant just go and kill herself. And what was it over? she felt like she should die because she hit her mom after her mom hit her...

I love steph, more then she loves me, but thats ok i wouldnt be willing to do a long distance relationship anyways, shes my best friend and the only person i realy feel i can confide in, and i think she feels very similar twords me. In the past few weeks shes probably the only reason i havnt done anything extremly stupid (you people have helpt me not cut but shes helped me not die) and i'm glad i could help her do the same...i dont know what i would do without her.

Summary

2008-03-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Going to try to keep this as short as possible and still explain whats going on.

Power got turned off yesterday morning, after sitting around all day reading went over to my mother/grandmothers around 8 at night.

She was nice to everyone, except gave me alot of snide comments
"why wont you join the military"
"you look like you've gained weight"
"you looked better when you lived here"
"i dont want to have to help you out anymore"

Even though she was helping out my sister not me, despite how much i love my computer and the net i'm fine with having no power, i've lived like that before. It pisses me off how rude she was to me since i'm the only one in the family who has actualy paid her back anything they borrowed.

I heard my sister and her bf arguing about drugs lastnight, so now i know for a fact they are on them, and the real reason we are getting evicted and had power turned off is becuase they spend their money on drugs. This makes me seriously not want to get a job...if i'm going to pay rent and get evicted anyways cause they blow it, whats the point?

The drugs thing is realy bothering me, especaily since like all females my sister is lieing and makeing me feel bad for something thats happening becuase of what she did. Not only that but she took 150 dollars from my other sister and 350 from my granmdother to pay for bills, and the only bill she paid was 150$ power bill, where did the rest go?

I see no point in trying when people around me are just going to use me and lie to me

I cant stress enough how much i hate people
I hate drug addicts
I hate little girls and boys who date someone thats already in a relationship and then is supprised when the other person cheats on them
I hate ingorance
I hate people who have it comming to them and cry and bitch
I hate people who wont accept that they are not special

dont miss it

2008-03-18T16:53:00.000-07:00

I quit playing wow a few weeks ago, i still have my acount but i only get on about a hour a day and its just to talk to people, not to play.

This is...wierd for me, i usualy do this once a year or so, but often its me going "alright i'm quitting for good!" this time i'm being honest with myself and just takeing a break.

I've been enjoying doing other things, running dnd/exalted/darkheresy games, talking on this journal (commenting on tons of peoples posts in their own) and playing any other games i can.

I'm trying to prepare myself for the change getting a job will cause, but right now i feel like i'm already begining to slip. For about a week now i've been staying hopeful and positive, but i'm already starting to slip back into my old ways. I want to play wow again, i feel like sleeping more again...i feel like staying up at all hours now (witch is another thing i was trying to stop).

I'm cutting every day, or every other day. I like it, especialy as i'm remebering how to do it how it helps the most...but...bleh. I don't know.

Things arnt changing, even though i'm being hopeful, even though i'm trying (though very little it should still count). I don't know what to do

Feeling Diffrent

2008-03-16T21:50:00.001-07:00

I cut in the shower just a bit ago, not much, tried cutting diffrently then i usualy, i dont think i will again like that, didnt seem to help as much as normal.

I go to apply at jobs tomorrow, jobs that probably wont hire me, jobs that i wont be able to get transporation to even if they do hire me.

I think right now i'm in denial, i crashed a bit ago and i recovered quickly, but i'm just in denial, i dont know whats going to happen when the shithits the fine, if i will feel bad enough to do somethign realy stupid or not.

Right now i'm pushing away wow, its alot of my social interaction and helps me forget about the world, but thats a bad thing, mixed with depression and social anxiety the game has a tendency to take over your life.

I'm not saying i want my life back, i just dont want wow in it right now

I'm feeling a little lonely, but less so then normal, i've been dreaming about stuff i dont want to think about and havnt seriously thought about in years (mostly my ex) but its not bothering me as much as it used to, i just want someone to share things with and enjoy being around, someone i can hold their hand and hug? Nothing more, i know that sounds wierd...bleh.

I hate when people misunderstand your intentions
I hate opinionated agnostics
I hate true racist
I hate feeling worthless
I hate not understand why i feel the way i do
I hate the things in life that remind me of what i dont have and how i will never have it
I hate that i lost my belief of love and hope and trust years ago

What am i supposed to do

2008-03-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

I walked up to a store that was suposivly hireing, and they told me no they arnt and that i can come back monday to apply, but that they arnt hiring.

The people were rude and one of them even laughed at me...i felt insulted. I had to walk a mile and a half to get to the store, after my sister asured me they were hiring, only to be turned down.

I know shes going to say i'm lying or something. Lastnight her and her bf came into my room and asked where my bike was, my bike thats been missing for over 2 weeks. Then when i said its been missing they started arguing with me over how "i saw it there last week", i would fucking know when my bike was missing, i check on it 2-3 times a fucking day and ride it every other day. And they were MAD at me! They probably think i hid it or threw it away so i would have a excuse to not go anywhere on it, but guess what! even if i DO ride it no where is fucking hiring around here! i've applied at every job within 3 or 4 miles at LEAST twice a month.

I'm fucking tired of them acting like i'm not trying, especaily her, especialy that slut who proudly says she dosnt have to work because she has a boyfriend. Its sick, chicks who are happy being whores. Because guess what, thats what you are if you let your bf do everything for you, your a whore, your buying your lifestyle through your pussy.

I hate whores
I hate sluts
I hate females
I hate hypocrits
I hate thieves
I hate liars
I hate people who cant even possibly see other peoples points of view even, theres a diffrence between changing your mind and simply being intelligent enough to understand why someone else might have came to a diffrent conclusion about something
Most of all i hate humans, perhaps only mildly more then i hate myself

Another Day

2008-03-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

I havnt left my house in months, other then every 2 weeks when i go to the store for about 20 minutes...

Yet here i am about to get a job, one of two, one of witch i will be a clerk and dealing with people constantly, the other witch i will be calling people and trying to sell them stuff. Both of these are not things i'm looking forward to.

My last 2 jobs were nice, one was being a janitor for mcdonalds, dealt with basicly no people there, i would come in, do my job in about 4 or 5 hours then leave as quickly as possible (before they pulled me "on the line"). Before that i made the donuts at dunkin donuts, that was a great job, i could be by myself all night and did repative organizational things, i loved it, and if i wanted i could talk to the one cashier out front (worked at night) and became pretty good friends with both of them...

I'm anxious, sick to my stomach, i dont know what to do. Do i risk working for my room mate even though i dont have good transportation, i dont want ot make him look bad...i dont want him to think less of me either. Or do i wait and try to get a job at 7-11.

I cut lastnight, just small cuts, its what i usualy do. Just enough to bleed and scab. I think i will again tonight, and get drunk maybe, havnt drank in 3 months. Its amazing how well you feel after cutting...all the stress all the relief, its like masterbation without the guilt or anger related to it (for myself). One of the first things i'm going to do when i get money from my new job is buy paint cutters, maybe a few more dark shirts.

I hate people who look at sex as a recriational activity
I hate people who think anything mainstream or popular is somehow less "enligtened" then unpopluar stuff
I hate when i cant manage to stay awake for more then 3 hours
I hate people who believe they know the "real truth" behind our government

Another Post Sorry

2008-03-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

I was trying to keep to one post a day, because i have a habbit of posting far too many times, and with how wordy and long winded all my posts are its not a good thing...tends to drive the few people who would read my journal away, but i need to talk.

I live with my sister and her boyfriend, i was having my family pay rent until they stopped doing it about 3 months ago because they lost their job, i havn't been able to find one myself. Theres no buses around here and i ride my bike about 5 miles either way applying at all the jobs, and NOT ONE of them would hire me...

Well needless to say they are mad, even though he dosnt actualy pay rent. I still want to pay him, and i pay for their cable tv and their food (witch is about 200-300 dollars a month) but thats all.

My sister is a 21 year old (ex?) heroin addict, and a (ex?) slut. Her bf is more then 12 years older then her (older then my step dad) but hes a RECOVERED drug addict. My sister is insane, thats basicly it. theres no over exagerating, no me being mellow, she will suddenly for no reason scream and yell and break stuff and call the cops and hurt herself and blame it on someone near her (me or her bf or anyone else in the house), she wants everything and thinks its so unfair other people have things, even though she has more then them and has NEVER paid for ANYTHING.

Shes stomping around the house right now, just broke BOTH of her bfs tvs, broke all his mothers jewlry, and is screaming saying its MY fault because i didnt pay them rent.

I grew up with this, at first it was my mom, who would have mood swings in the middle of conversations, so i can accept it, but waht i can't except is flat out insane attitudes, its one thing to be manic depressive, its one thing to be rash ocasionaly, but breaking shit and punching yourself and telling the cops it was your bf (i know for a fact she does this cause ive SEEN her do it, and had her try to do it to me) is fucking nuts.

But we cant keep her in the hopspital cause they dont want her.

I dont know what to do, i finaly found a job and she said she would be able to bring me, now suddenly even though i HAVNT EVEN STARTED shes saying no she cant...

what am i supposed to do?

The Morning

2008-03-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

I feel a little better, defanintly more depressed then i have been in a long time, but i think i'm getting my hopes up again. I found out a few days ago that i need to get a job, something i've avoided doing for the past 2 years like the plague. You see i don't want much in life, and the more money you make the more bills you have to pay it seems and the more people want from you. When i live at my friends making no money he expects no money, but when i make 500$ a month he expects 400$, while i'm not saying its not fair, it defanintly is i understand, its still not very pleasent.

The thing i'm most worried about with this new job is it will be the first job i've had that i wont be able to have reliable transportation to by myself. Usualy i would make sure that it was within walking distance or bus distance (usualy within a hours walk), this way if they called me up or needed me in i could simply get there on my own two feet. It sucked sometimes, having to walk in the snow or rain, but overall i enjoyed it, and it gave me time to calm down and prepare myself for the day, or mellow out for the night.

This new job is a job i did before, a job that left me crying every night. Telemarketing. Imagine working at a fast food job, and EVERY person complaining and screaming at you even when you get their order right and fast. People treat you like shit, not your bosses or coworkers, but the people you are calling. I would get cussed out every 3 or 4 calls, called horendous names and in general treated worse then i ever have been in my life, outside of relatonships. But perhaps the job will work out well? I do know the manager and he asured me i can get a job there, in a way this makes me even more nervous as now i'm going to have to perform well enough so i dont put a black mark on him inviting me...

I think i'm going to cut tonight, i'm not sure when but i've decided to, maybe even drink a little. I defanintly decided i will finish the brandy i have before i start working again, i've had it for nearly 3 months and havnt touched the bottle. I've never cut drunk...maybe i'll try that, but i doubt it. Cutting to me is about control, being drunk takes away that control...so they arnt 2 things that mix well.

Reading threw all these peoples blogs again...its interesting, i'm reminded of how much like a kid i feel, and how pissed off that makes me. Theres so few men that seem to feel the same way i do, and very few adults. Its interesting that suicide rates in the US are 4 men to every 1 woman, but self harm seems to be the oppisit. I've always felt like i was more femanine then manly, and that dosnt bother me, i'm not gay, perhaps it was how i was raised...and its not like it even seems to matter that much in the world now a days. Chicks quite often are the more manly aspect of relationships now but still...

I need something in my life, something that makes me feel wanted, wanted more then just over some game. I run rpgs right now, table top games...i have several going and they give me a great deal of joy, something i havnt felt in months in not a year, but now getting a job is going to hurt it, i'm going to have to quit wow if i want to keep doing my story telling, and i defanintly do...but i dont want to quit wow :sighs:. I need more friends, i need more people who care about me and who i can care about, i want to have more people tell me about their problems and i want to learn to open up again, i want to feel again? But you need something in your life to feel about...and i'm not sure if i'm ready for that yet.

Hello Again

2008-03-11T18:15:00.001-07:00

I've done blogs a few times before, perhaps 3 or 4 diffrent sights over 4 years ago, ever since i moved to florida i simply no longer had any desire to share my thoughts or my feelings/ideas/opinions seriously with other people.

But most importantly i gave up the idea of others possibly being interested.

You see blogs are not private, people might say they do their blog for their own use or to keep it to themselves, but if that was the case they would simply use wordpad or a actual journal, to use a online journal that other people can see is to want to show people what your saying, anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.

My life is simple, and easy, and alot of people would say nice, but thats because they don't understand the cost of living how i do. I live off of other people, mostly my family, moving from house to house once i wear out my welcome, i have some books i collected over my 25 years of life, a few other objects such as a computer and some emotional ojbects, and all i desire other then these things is a internet connection. Food and rent is usualy paid for me.

I eat ramen and hotdogs like so many people, my "expensive" meals are cans of chef boyardee or hotpockets, and every spare penny i make (about 50$ a month since i started selling things in wow, prior to that for nearly 2 years it was more like 50$ every 3 months) i spend on more books usualy, lately its been pizza.

A simple life where everything is provided by me? I have it so lucky, so easy right? I dont posses the money to own a car, or own a house, or buy anything extra that i want. If i want to go out and eat fastfood once a month guess what, i cant. If i feel like maybe having a soda or a beer once a week, i cant, if i feel like renting a movie guess what? cant. I'm not complaining, this is my life style, but before someone goes and talks about how "easy" i have it, first at least be inteligent enough to see what it is i've given up to live like this, to live like someone who dosn't want to.

I moved to florida 3 years ago because my mom seemed to be stressed out and my sister (who at 16 was a slut and a heroine addict) was getting worse. I had ricently resolved the only 2 problems in my life (finaly getting over my ex after 3 years of being crushed, and being able to forgive myself for things i did to kids when i myself was a kid), the resolution of these 2 problems destroyed any desire in my life. I realized that i infact was living my life because of these 2 driving factors, i was having emotions and feelings, hopes and dreams, desires, all while small were still there and they were driven by the pain and guilt of my past...then the pain an guild dissipeared, along with the desires.

Since then i've simply drifted by, playing online games, reading for months on end when i cant find anyone to pay my net, and in general waiting for change, change witch i despise.

For the first time in my life i'm seriously contemplating weither i would be better off dead...and it scares me, because i ocasionaly cut and have never truely felt suicidal, but here i am now, suddenly feeling like it may be a viable way out, that it might be the only way out to salvage what little respect is left in my life.